When I realized just how fucked up my family was, part one

Image from Pennywise at Morguefile.comIf you read this blog, you know I’m not normal. Which is okay, if you ask me. Not being normal is nothing to sneeze at.

And since I’m not normal, I joined a Facebook group named DeathHub. (Yeah, I’m totally calling them out.)

I had been reading posts there, and they all seemed to be pretty cool. No real fighting, no insulting people, none of that kind of shit.

So I posted up one of the family stories about death.

Many years ago, when I was just a little kid, one of my mother’s aunt’s husband died. We knew him, and her, too. We used to go to their house, and she would always sneak us a few dollars. When my grandfather stopped being able to help her go shopping, my father took it over.

But before she needed help shopping, before she died, before her cats died…

Her husband died.

Her name was Mildred.

His name was Cliff.

Here’s the story I told in the FB group:

When her husband, Cliff, passed away in the hospital from complications from diabetes, she didn’t claim the body. She said that she would never go visit it, anyway, so she might as well save the money.

To me, this seemed like a good way to handle it. I’m with her – bodies are just bodies. They aren’t people anymore.

Why spend all the money on a funeral and closure when you don’t need it? They had very little family around, and she didn’t want to go through with all of it. Why should she be forced into it?

I thought this was healthy. She knew how she felt. She wanted to move on. She didn’t think of it as anything bad – he was dead. It wasn’t like he cared what happened anymore.

But when I posted it up, all the responses were negative. People remarked on how sad it was, how horrible she was for doing that, and how heartbreaking it was when a body wasn’t claimed.

Instead of sharing what I thought was a kind of funny, interesting anecdote from my life, I wound up feeling crappy because of it. I got told that her feelings – and mine – were not good.

As I said before, I know I’m not normal. But this should have been a safe place. The rules of the site told people to say nice things or move on.

They did not say nice things.

They did not move on.

They left me wondering if my family is even more fucked up than I already thought it was. Was I even more fucked up than I thought I was?

Not normal is okay. But totally broken is a bit worrisome.

(Part two coming soon – it’s about another great aunt who did even worse with his husband’s remains…or maybe it was less bad? Apparently I’m bad at judging this sort of thing…)

It’s not a tumor! (Or meningitis)

Skull image from Morguefile.comUnless it is.

Okay, so if you read my blog, you know I’m crazy. I’m not telling you anything new. But this is one of my truly crazy things.

And I blame my mother.

I know, mothers (and fathers) get a horrible rep when it comes to causing problems with their kids. But in this case, it’s totally legit.

See, when I was younger, any time I had a headache that was bad, which was often since I get migraines, my mother’s first response was to worry that it was meningitis.

“Oh my god,” she would say in a realistic yet dramatic way. “What if it’s meningitis? Is your neck sore?”

And, of course, the minute she asked, my neck would be sore. Within minutes, I’d be convinced that I did, indeed, have meningitis, and I was, indeed, dying.

Obviously, it hasn’t been meningitis yet. And I’m still alive.

But now, it doesn’t matter that I know that not every headache is meningitis. (In fact, very very few headaches are meningitis.) Every time I have a headache, I am convinced it’s meningitis.

The problem is that this morning, I woke up with a headache.

It was not my typical migraine. With a migraine, one side or the other hurts like someone has shoved a spike through my eye.

This morning, it felt like someone had put a vise on my head. There was pressure coming from seemingly everywhere, and I didn’t want to move because it made me want to throw up (which is like having a migraine).

I’ve probably had a pressure headache like that before, but I couldn’t remember when.

So it happened.

Oh. My. God.

I have meningitis.

Except I’m pretty sure I don’t. I’m up and moving around. I created PowerPoints for two classes I’m going to teach. I’ve been responding to emails. I even worked on booking a craft show. And the headache is getting better (thanks to a bunch of OTC pain meds and a lot of coffee).

But…

But…

But…

What if it’s meningitis?

Ladies and gentlemen, my panic attack

Image by Ryan ClareMe to husband: I am dizzy and cold. My stomach hurts. Oh my god, I must be dying of sepsis.

Husband: You’re not dying of sepsis. Do you want a sweater?

Me: No, I can’t sit up and put a sweater on. It will make the sepsis go faster and hurry me to my doom.

Husband: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Me: You’re the one who’ll wake up next to a corpse in the morning.

Husband: I think this may be anxiety. You don’t have sepsis.

Me: Are you a doctor?

Husband: No.

Me: So there’s no way to be sure of that, is there?

Husband: No, I don’t have medical training, but neither do you. Do you want your anxiety medication?

Me: No. I’m not having a panic attack. I’m dying of sepsis.

Husband: [Sighing heavily. Getting me a sweater.]

Me: [Bemoaning my fate at the hands of a potentially fatal disease.]

[Sat up, put on my sweater, curled up, and watched “Grounded for Life” until I fell asleep.]

Hello anxiety, my old friend…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

So as I write about my panic attack last Monday, I’m having another one tonight. Ah, the joys of anxiety.

Before I begin, please understand this.

When I say panic attack and anxiety, I don’t mean a little nervous about something, or even a lot nervous about something. I mean that feeling like your heart is going to explode, and you’re sure that you’re dying, and you need to pace and shake and rattle and roll and you are sure you’re freaking out, and you may be hyperventilating, but it sure *feels* like dying, and you don’t think you’re breathing, but obviously you are if you’re hyperventilating because you can’t do that without breathing, but maybe you’re not breathing, and that just feels like you’re hyperventilating, and your heart is most definitely bursting out of your chest, and maybe you should call the ambulance, but by the time they got there you’d be dead anyway, and why is the room spinning like that?

That’s a panic attack and a moment of anxiety for me.

Except it last a lot longer than a moment. And it’s not always obvious because a lot of the time I just try to sit it out, but others time I have to pace or jiggle my leg or shake my hand or something like that. Whatever works.

But it’s not a lot of fun.

Luckily, my doctor gave me an awesome pill for it. I’m on other meds for depression, which is a whole different thing, but when my anxiety hit that moment, then I take what I’ve nicknamed my chill pill (mostly because I can’t pronounce the damn thing).

Now let me take you back to last Monday.

I like to call this story “How I Almost Didn’t Take My Son Bowling Because I Knew I’d Meet New People There.”

My son loves bowling. Most of the time. More often than not.

Back before the summer began, I bought bowling passes for both of us. It was a great deal – three games each, per day, for a super-low fee.

I made plans to go bowling.

And I made plans to go bowling

And I made plans to go bowling.

And I made…you get the idea.

Then, a friend I kind of know, but know well enough to want to hang out with, suggested that I join in on their group of bowlers. It’s a group of other moms and their kids. It’s a whole bowling league. Except, you know, not really a bowling league. Close enough.

I kept saying I would go, but then something kept me from going. I finally made it two weeks ago, and then it turned out she hadn’t been able to make it, so my son and I bowled, and he had a great time.

Last Monday rolled around.

I’d gotten into a group message on FB about the upcoming bowling. I said I’d be there. I knew my son wanted to be there. I wanted to be there.

About 45 minutes before the appointed time, I sat at my desk, looked at the message, and freaked out.

I wouldn’t know most of the people there. I’d never met them before. I could not do it.

I sat around, freaking out, thinking of how bad a mother I’d be if I didn’t take him.

I took my chill pill.

I would go bowling.

And I did! And it was fun! And the other people were nice!

To be fair, I have no memory of their names. I didn’t talk to them very much. I’m already starting to panic about going back.

But I’m going. I’m pushing through. And maybe this week it’ll be easier. And maybe next week, it’ll be even easier. And maybe, eventually, I won’t need to take a chill pill.

 

Today I…

today… cleaned up after the dog
… went out to lunch
… stayed awake for 13 hours
… exercised
… taught a class
… read a book
… did dishes
… did laundry
… took a shower
… brushed my teeth
… ate healthy
… caught up on some TV
… responded to emails
… took my medication
… played with my son
… and came up with the idea for this blog.

To be fair, this is actually what I did yesterday, but I couldn’t sum up everything I did today because by the time I wrote it, it would be tomorrow. So instead I wrote this today about yesterday. But it’s a good list, and while it might not be the list I want it to be, it’s a lot better than I was doing last week.

Last week, this list might have only included some TV and a shower. Last week, when I was driving to the class I’ve been teaching, I was wishing that someone would have a fender bender with me so that I could have an excuse to get out of it Last week, I was sleeping all morning, and then taking naps all afternoon. Last week, I didn’t care if I was awake or asleep. Last week, at the insistence of my husband, I also went to see my psychiatrist, and he decided that it was time to try something new.

I’ve been on it for a week now, and while it has a scary bad side effect of a “potentially deadly rash,” it does seem to be slowly dragging me up and out and about. And hopefully it will keep being successful, and I won’t get that “potentially deadly rash.”

 

Cons aren’t depressing! Who knew?

success(Well, for those of you not in the know, a “con” is a convention or conference. When I use the term, I’m generally referring to something that deals with genre writing and movies, such as science fiction/fantasy/horror. This past weekend, I spent it at a con, selling crafts and talking on panels.)

So who knew that they weren’t depressing?

I mean, I did. Mostly. Sort of.

There were plenty of times that I’d leave a con feeling jazzed and inspired and ready to write and take on the world.

But mostly I’d feel unhappy and defeated and frustrated.

And even if I’d begun the con feeling happy, by the time it was over, my anxiety and depression would have crept in and brought me down. The moments of “I know what to do!” would be replaced by “I can never do this,” and I’d be sinking and spiraling, feeling that I’d always be an outsider, always be on the edges, never be successful.

But at this con, with my new medication and my coping strategies, even with a friend telling me that she bought one of my books but that it was so bad and so boring that she had to stop a few pages in (thanks, friend!), I still haven’t begun that spiral.

Now, I’m not saying that it wasn’t trying.

My purpose was two-fold: to sell my stuff, and to speak on panels.

I was selling my jewelry and my books in the “gallery.” Gallery is apparently code-speak for “no one knows you’re there, and you might as well be on the street corner because you’ll get as much in tips there as you will in sales here.” Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad. But it wasn’t very good, either. But I can blame the issues on outside influences: no one knew it was there, I was behind a pole, and the lights above me were out. If you need a trifecta for lowering sales, that’s it. Most people who bothered to stop either bought something or took a card. So success?

Speaking on panels is always challenging for me. I feel like I need to be well-prepared enough, and I either over-prepare or under-prepare. Either way, I tend to feel like I’ve messed it up. Did I sound like an idiot when I was talking about movies? Was I okay when talking about Lovecraft? I ran out of questions on the horror location panel – did everyone think I had messed it up?

I don’t know if I did well or if I did badly. And if I did badly, what level was it? Was it spectacularly bad, leading to fire, flood, and famine? Or was it only mostly bad, leading to blood, barf, and broken bones?

I look at it this way (for now): no one threw anything at me. No one refused to talk to me after a panel. And I did earn the cost of my table back. So, overall, it could have gone a lot worse.

I’m actually happy with my way of thinking about it. I’m not just blaming myself, and I’m not telling myself that I messed up the entire weekend. Yes, I can think of ways to improve, but I’m not stuck in the spiral thinking that I can’t do anything. In fact, even now, a full day after the con ended, I’m still thinking about working on some pieces I hadn’t quite finished yet, and I might even work with someone else on a new anthology. I even friended people that I met (and that I’d even met before but never friended), and they friended me back! Success!

 

Hello, Anxiety, my old friend…

 

 

 

25290278 calm panic buttons show panicking or calmness
Calm Panic Buttons Show Panicking Or Calmness Counseling

So I’m pretty much trapped at home today thanks to the joy of anxiety. Not that I had a lot of stuff to do outside the house today, but right now, I don’t feel like I can leave the house. I’m not necessarily scared to leave, but I feel off-balance, off-center, and just plain old off.

 

I’d blame it on my cold, saying that my congestion is what’s messing with my head, but I don’t think that’s it because when I don’t think about it, I feel better.

 

It’s like my brain is messing with me again. It’s telling me to worry. It’s telling me that I’ve over-extended myself. It’s telling me that I’m going to mess up the convention I’m going to this weekend. It’s telling me I have no friend. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no abilities.

 

I know it’s lying.

 

  • I printed a bunch of stuff on my 3d printer this morning to sell at the conference this weekend.
  • I posted up a FAQ for a special needs kids Easter egg hunt.
  • I got the car’s oil changed.
  • I did 3 loads of laundry.
  • I made myself lunch.
  • I packaged up a return and a birthday present.
  • I wrote three letters for LetterMo.
  • I wrote this blog.

Getting stuff done, then, isn’t the problem. It’s accepting that I’m getting stuff done and keeping on getting stuff done until I feel like I’ve achieved a goal.

 

I’m fighting off the feelings by using two tricks – one is not really a trick, but it’s helpful: meditation. I put on some calm music and sat down with my hands in my lap and tried to just breathe. I ignored thoughts that raced by, and I tried to stop thinking about anything except my breath going in and out. That was semi-successful. The second one is challenging thoughts.

 

When I first heard of challenging thoughts, I thought it meant having challenging thoughts – like challenging yourself to do things. Seemed logical.

 

But then I learned what it was really was: challenging the thoughts you have.

 

Instead of agreeing with your brain when it tells you that you’re not getting anything done, you stop and consider what you know that might challenge that thought.

 

My thought that I didn’t do anything today and that I can’t do anything I can challenge by making a list of what I actually did get done. When I think that it isn’t a very impressive list, I have to tell myself that it doesn’t have to be impressive. I didn’t say I had to do an impressive number of things today – I had to do things is all.

 

Both of those tricks might sound simple, but they aren’t that easy to do when your anxiety is creeping up and growing. I’d guess my level of anxiety is at a solid 5 today, which is much higher than I would prefer it be. But instead of giving in to it and sitting around in bed, I’m up, I’m moving, and I’m doing things. And I feel better for it.