It had only been five hours, I told myself. Not long enough for a full night’s sleep, especially since I had been oh so tired.
What should I do? Could I fall back asleep?
I asked my brain.
My brain told me that I could always go ahead and commit suicide.
Not that I was thinking about it.
Not that I was considering it.
My brain just threw it out there, a flag on the field by a particularly cruel and unsportsmanlike-like referee.
And, damn, it does suck when your brain does that when you’re not expecting it.
I honestly thought that I was doing pretty well at avoiding depression. I didn’t know that it was there, Jaws waiting for a swimmer to jump into the lovely, Maine ocean.
So what am I supposed to do with that?
How do I fix something when I don’t even know that it’s there?
For now, I’m working on adding more exercise and meditation.
I know I had a kind of rough holiday weekend, but I hadn’t realized it had affected me that much.
In fact, I got a piercing and a tattoo – both things I had been wanting for a long time.
Shouldn’t they have cheered me?
What is my problem, anyway?
This morning, I almost missed class because of it.
I sat up most of the night in a darkened room, hoping that I’d be able to sleep. Sooner or later. Eventually.
And it worked. I guess. I fell asleep again around 5 a.m., but I was still so tired that I slept through my alarm and almost missed my jewelry making class.
When I finally woke up – half an hour before the class started – all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I convinced myself to get up. I didn’t want to miss it in case we did something cool.
But it didn’t feel good.
I don’t like knowing that my brain is still there, lurking around, thinking things that I don’t want it to think.
This weekend, I’m heading to a personal retreat up in North Texas. It’s a lovely place, and it’s worked well for me before. I’m hoping that the quiet will calm my brain a bit.