Finding my people

Freak FlagApparently, people can tell a lot about me just by seeing me.

I admit that I was wearing my awesome “Black is the New Black” t-shirt today, but I still didn’t expect that to make people know I was crazy.

But I guess it worked. Because I was in line at Target, buying these cool little cross-stitch boxes, and the cashier says to me, “You know, my cousin has this phobia. She freaks out over a lot of little holes together like that. The doctor told her it was a new phobia. She couldn’t handle this box.”

Not sure what the correct response was in this situation (is there a correct response, by the way? Should I be writing to Miss Manners and asking her input?).

Anyway, my response was, “It’s probably not new. Nothing is new. Maybe it’s just newly listed or something.”

And the cashier nodded and agreed. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

But maybe there are new phobias that have to do with smart phones and Fox News and stuff like that. I just don’t think that counted cross stitch is really something that would qualify as new.

I honestly hadn’t thought that I’d been flying my freak flag, but I guess I forgot how to lower it.

See, I’ve had a kind of bad week.

I don’t know why. It seemed like a normal week. But stuff happens, and then, next thing I know, I’m spending an entire evening freaking out, having a massive panic attack that had me convinced I was dying, flailing my legs to try to get rid of the rush that I was feeling.

The next day, I thought I was mostly better, but, of course, I wasn’t. The anxiety had dropped enough to let me sort of function, but not enough to let me really function. I tried to go about my normal life, but when I woke up, I felt like I should just stay home and take a mental health day. I didn’t. Mistake.

Today, though, that anxiety level dropped. Which was pretty awesome, except that when it dropped, it DROPPED. I went from feeling a bit antsy to suddenly wanting to fall asleep, even after having a nice cup of coffee. I couldn’t stop yawning, and by the time I was sitting in the Jeep, waiting for Simon to get off the school bus, I seriously considered just lying down and taking a quick nap.

I managed to stay awake long enough to get Patrick home from work to take Simon to bowling practice – I didn’t need the guilt of keeping him from Special Olympics – and then I laid down in bed.

And was immediately woken up to deal with some scheduling for an event I’d been working on for a few days.

I got it handled, finally got into bed, and was wide awake, even though I had a pounding headache and was completely exhausted. It was that kind of “I’m so tired I can’t sleep” feeling.

Then I remembered that it was October, and I had started my meditating every day thing. So I turned on my “Calm Meditation Music” on Pandora, laid back, and tried to think about nothing. Of course, I thought about 8 billion things, and I had to try to just let them go, let them float past me, let myself try to focus on nothing but my breathing.

I slept.

And now I’m finally feeling like I’m human again. Let’s see how long it lasts. Maybe at least until someone else tells me about their cousin’s phobias.


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