(Well, for those of you not in the know, a “con” is a convention or conference. When I use the term, I’m generally referring to something that deals with genre writing and movies, such as science fiction/fantasy/horror. This past weekend, I spent it at a con, selling crafts and talking on panels.)
So who knew that they weren’t depressing?
I mean, I did. Mostly. Sort of.
There were plenty of times that I’d leave a con feeling jazzed and inspired and ready to write and take on the world.
But mostly I’d feel unhappy and defeated and frustrated.
And even if I’d begun the con feeling happy, by the time it was over, my anxiety and depression would have crept in and brought me down. The moments of “I know what to do!” would be replaced by “I can never do this,” and I’d be sinking and spiraling, feeling that I’d always be an outsider, always be on the edges, never be successful.
But at this con, with my new medication and my coping strategies, even with a friend telling me that she bought one of my books but that it was so bad and so boring that she had to stop a few pages in (thanks, friend!), I still haven’t begun that spiral.
Now, I’m not saying that it wasn’t trying.
My purpose was two-fold: to sell my stuff, and to speak on panels.
I was selling my jewelry and my books in the “gallery.” Gallery is apparently code-speak for “no one knows you’re there, and you might as well be on the street corner because you’ll get as much in tips there as you will in sales here.” Okay, it wasn’t quite that bad. But it wasn’t very good, either. But I can blame the issues on outside influences: no one knew it was there, I was behind a pole, and the lights above me were out. If you need a trifecta for lowering sales, that’s it. Most people who bothered to stop either bought something or took a card. So success?
Speaking on panels is always challenging for me. I feel like I need to be well-prepared enough, and I either over-prepare or under-prepare. Either way, I tend to feel like I’ve messed it up. Did I sound like an idiot when I was talking about movies? Was I okay when talking about Lovecraft? I ran out of questions on the horror location panel – did everyone think I had messed it up?
I don’t know if I did well or if I did badly. And if I did badly, what level was it? Was it spectacularly bad, leading to fire, flood, and famine? Or was it only mostly bad, leading to blood, barf, and broken bones?
I look at it this way (for now): no one threw anything at me. No one refused to talk to me after a panel. And I did earn the cost of my table back. So, overall, it could have gone a lot worse.
I’m actually happy with my way of thinking about it. I’m not just blaming myself, and I’m not telling myself that I messed up the entire weekend. Yes, I can think of ways to improve, but I’m not stuck in the spiral thinking that I can’t do anything. In fact, even now, a full day after the con ended, I’m still thinking about working on some pieces I hadn’t quite finished yet, and I might even work with someone else on a new anthology. I even friended people that I met (and that I’d even met before but never friended), and they friended me back! Success!